Car Thieves and Contentment

I drive a 1996 N reg 1.0 Citroen AX. Mostly red, broken bumper, non-functioning rear washer, limps a bit and coughs in the cold – you get the picture.

It’s nothing special but it’s reliable in the coldest of weather, sails through MOTs, costs nothing to insure and run and as I place no value on cars other than their ability to get from A to B successfully, it suits me perfectly.

Given the above description, you can probably tell it is less secure than a prozzie’s pants on pay day and so consequently contains nothing of value, unless you have a good fence for used car park tickets. So you can imagine my surprise when, of all the cars in the street, someone chose mine to try to break into. I assume it happened on the street as I didn’t actually notice it for a couple of days, but given that the street we live on is a common thoroughfare for the social dregs of the Jeremy Kyle show, it seems most likely.

I say ‘try to break in’ as they didn’t actually mange to breach the 14 year old locking mechanism (one that can easily be tripped with packing tape or a wire coat hanger, a technique I mastered at 19 working at Halfords and made many tips from by rescuing locked-out damsels in distress) and simply managed to inflict a minor shape change to my door pillar.

So, in summing up the evidence, I find the following facts of most significance in reaching a decision) The would-be burglar clearly has no ability to determine the difference between a beaten-up 14 year old car, highly unlikely to contain anything of great value, or indeed to hold any value itself and the shiny SAAB that parks next to it every night, most likely to hold the trappings of middle class. Having failed to differentiate between ‘due for scrapping’ and ‘worth nicking’ they they failed to break into the car with probably the least sophisticated security since a cabinet ministers USB key.)

Not only did they fail to get in, the approach they took was to try to lever the door open from the top, using some sort of crowbar. No evidentiary marks suggest that they used a fulcrum of any kind and so they were doomed from the start to prize the door no further than the thickness of the lever itself. A quarter of an inch at most. Clearly they have no understanding of simple physics.) Having completely failed to break in and now having done some not insignificant damage to the door and it’s surround, they didn’t even have the sense to attempt a smash’n’grab, which one would expect even the lest self respecting thief to fall back on.

So having pondered this for a week or so I feel that whilst I may, through choice, drive a slightly damaged, unimpressive car, older than some of my children, the level of intelligence displayed by the criminals suggests that this is the pinnacle of achievement to which they are ever likely to aspire.

I can live with that.

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