The Ballad of Colin the Squirrel (AKA The Legend of Colin The Brave)

Colin the squirrel’s a tough little chap
Who lives out in Percy’s back yard
He comes out for nuts
Or sometimes just struts
And he’s Northern, so really quite hard

He’s lived there for years up the old cedar tree
In a hollow about two thirds up
He lives there alone
And has called it his home
Since Colin was just a young pup

This is the tale of how Colin the squirrel
Came to be Colin The Brave
A tale of some woes
With the loss of some toes
And it starts with the blackbird called Dave

Well it started one morning, just before noon
The sun was beating the ground
Summer was here
A time of good cheer
For parties and lying around

Young Colin was sitting and having a kip
When there came a great knock at the door
It was Marvin the mouse
From under the house
And he said “There’s a rumpus on t’floor”

So Colin he pulled up his braces right tight
And grabbed his flat cap and his boots
He’d been having a rest
So he wore just his vest
And he looked like Bruce Willis on shoot

When he got to the garden he saw there’d been trouble
With feathers and blood in the air
It was David the Blackbird
Been caught by a cat
And he really looked much worse for wear

“I was just clearing rubbish all up from the floor”
Said Dave when he finally came-to
When up from the right
Came a terrible sight
‘Twas Big Mog from up Factory Brew”

Well the name it sent shivers through those who were there
It was well known and feared by them all
With claws like meat hooks
And right evil looks
This wasn’t just any fur ball

Big Mog was the bruiser from over the tracks
An experienced scrapper for years
He had very few teeth
And no fur beneath
And not much that you could call ears

Now Colin he knew that this had to be stopped
This cat had been trouble too long
So right there he vowed
In front of the crowd
To deliver Big Mog his swan song

So for three weeks he trained and sparred with Mick Fox
He practiced by day and by night
He learned some Kung Fu
And kickboxing too
To ready himself for the fight

Then he issued the challenge by means of a note
That he sent with next door’s Siamese
“Big Mog” it said there
“Take me on if you dare”
Without bothering to even say please

Well the word it got out through all of the town
That Big Mog had been challenged to meet
The tickets sold out
And even the touts
Were hard pressed to get you a seat

The arena was simple, just down by the bins
On an old patch of grass that was dead
With some ropes for the crowd
And in case of no cloud
Set under the shade of the shed

The dormice were there to help the spectators
And show them the way to their seat
The sparrows wore tweed
And sold bags of seed
And umbrellas to hide from the heat

At last the time came for the fight to the end
and Colin was looking right tough
He paced up and down
With a serious frown
And waited to do some rough stuff

Then the crowd that was chatting went silent as death
And everyone stared at the ring
Where in strolled Big Mog
Like the size of a dog
A really unpleasant old thing

“So where’s this ‘ere Colin?” Mog Shouted out loud
“I’m feeling quite hungry today
And now that I’m back
I could do with a snack
I’m might just tuck Colin away”

With that our hero stepped up to the ropes
And grinned at the ugly old cat
His knuckles all cracked
And then he shouts back
“Well let’s just all see about that”

With a leap, spritely Colin was in the arena
And stood, nose-to-nose with Big Mog
He got his in first
And Mog’s nose was burst
When Col smacked his chin with a log

At that the cat’s anger completely erupted
And he swiped little Colin down flat
He stood on his head
And left him for dead
But you know Colin’s tougher than that

The cat turned to leave and Col saw his chance
To bring this big rug down to beg
But that cat was too quick
And with a sharp ‘snick’
Big Mog bit off Colin’s back leg

The pain of the bite almost too much to bear
Poor Colin fell down from the hurt
The cat towered above
And then started to shove
Our red hero around in the dirt

The crowd it fell silent in fear of defeat
In the dust and the heat of the Sun
When a voice in the crowd
Though not very loud
Asked “Is that it? Is Colin all done?”

Well Big Mog he was grinning and taking a bow
The crowd it had started to boo
When an eye opened wide
And a smile on the side
Showed that Colin was up for round two

Well he leapt to his foot and he punched mog real hard
And his whiskers he tied like a tie
He scratched him with holly
Then with an old brolly
Jabbed that big cat in the eye.

The fiend was so shaken by the second attack
He thought he had finished the job
And then like a dance
Col seized the chance
And smashed Mog again in the gob

Now this cat started reeling and staggering round
Quite dazed from our hero’s attack
And while he was spinning
Col gave him a chinning
And left him out cold on his back

Now the blood loss had taken its toll on the Squirrel
And now it was his turn to spin
He fell on his side
And it looked like he’d died
But the crowd’s taken courage from him

The finches and ferrets they tied up the cat
What happened to him is unclear
But the magpies it seems
have several means
of making bad cats disappear

The rest of the audience rushed to Col’s aid
But too late as it seemed he was dead
Then an eye opened wide
And a smile on the side
Meant Col had his own plans instead

So being a hero made Colin quite famous
And girl squirrels came far and wide
One caught his eye
And they wed, bye-and-bye
And the three legged champ had his bride

Now years have gone by and the hero is old
He’s got himself grand-kids, our lad
They sit round his chair
With a wondrous air
And listen to tales of their hero Granddad

And the garden is safe now and free from big cats
They dare not come in there to feast
Cos the cats they all tell
Of that Big Mog who fell
To Colin; Half squirrel, Half beast

And in time old Colin will pass on his way
And his legend will speak from the grave
The tales will live on
Of the day that was won
By our hero, young Colin The Brave

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